SHADOWS OF REGRETS, TWISTS and TURNS OF FATE, LIGHT FOR THE NEW PATH

“We all hold on to what we believe will last forever. But what if fate steps in and changes the course of our lives? If you get the chance to set things right....can you really bring back what was lost? And mend what was broken?” ~ (WAY BACK HOME)

I don’t really know what am I going to write in here, or if I really wanted to, hmm, nope. Of course I want to! It’s just that, I don’t know what’s happening to me lately. I can’t find that ‘thing’ that inspires me every time I’ll be writing an article. Before, a simple misunderstanding or a shallow blissfulness can make me think of so many things I can write about as part of my write-ups. But now? It’s not that I have nothing to say anymore. Actually, there are lots of things that happened for the past 12 months of 2011 that I want to spare, I just don’t know where and HOW to start considering those things I went through even in writing. So if this article sucks badly, please forgive me people!

“Value humility as a virtue and you will never go wrong.” It was already two years ago since I valued some people so much, valued them like a mom who will always be there to guide me to the right track. People I never thought would be gone too like the first ones I knew. It’s just so funny that I’m already with ‘this’ person for a long time compared to those I mentioned earlier, but I didn’t value her that much as I did with those ones who left me. She WAS just simply my English teacher who uncovered that there’s a writer within me, when she said, “sino ‘tong batang ‘to? Tama naman lahat yung sentences niya e, okay siya sumulat, kaso yung mga punctuation marks niya, ginagawa niyang text! Ano ba ‘yang mga tuldok-tuldok na yan??” :-P My English teacher who turned to be my adviser. ‘Just’ our adviser,----that’s what she used to be for me. Yes, I know she loves us so much like her own children, that’s too usual already for teachers because they’re considered as our 2^nd parents, right? But that changed everything when I saw her tears ran down from her eyes when I made a mistake. That time, I felt like I was so guilty. Guilty for two things: for what I’ve done that made her cry, and for taking everything for granted before that ‘scenario’ happened, for not seeing her ‘real’ worth to us not just our adviser, but also as our ‘mom.’ The guilt that I’ve carried which was eventually accompanied by pain because of seeing someone who cried for me, for something I did wrong, that someone whom I thought wouldn’t do so because I didn’t know that I am important to that person. That’s what I thought that time, that ‘maybe’ I’m important to her. Because for me, I believe that when you cry for something or someone, besides tears of joy, it’s an indication that you were hurt, and you were HURT, because you know it’s REAL. After that, it gave me thoughts like, “because of what happened, I might lost everything we had; the bonding, the friendship, the happiness, the one and only organization that I belong to, everything! If I’ll apologize for what happened, will it bring back everything to normal? Will it stop the affliction and hitch that I’ve brought? BUT..., why am I thinking of these things now? Why am I so worried to lose all these if it just worth nothing for me, right?”----signs that I already cared? Definitely yes. Because if I don’t why would I be bothered? Why would I care if she’s hurt with what happened? Why would I be bothered that it can possibly change everything? So I did apologize not just because I know it’s the only way to make things back to normal, but because I know I ‘also’ had my share of faults to what happened. “Value humility as a virtue and you will never go wrong. It’s another blessed day for me!”-----When I’ve read this somewhere, I knew I did the right thing, and I also knew that after all those things that happened, from that day forward, I’ve found another person who cares real enough not just for me, but to all of us ‘her kids’.

(Our school paper adviser <THE EXORDIUM>, our "mom,"
Ma'am MARIANNE IBANEZ QUITALIG)

Time is a rare luxury which can never be purchased at any cost. So when someone spends it for you, it defines the depth of your value “It was a dilemma I was already struggling with. My two BEST FRIENDS, people who, I would never be able to see and bond again that often after their graduation. So what is the better course of action? SPEND TIME WITH THEM while I could? Or START THE SEPARATION NOW to make it more gradual?” I’ve been thinking about this since the school year started. I often got into an argument with both of them because of time and bonding issues eversince. Especially now that they’re about to graduate. But what can I do, it’s inevitable. So I promised that time that I would never do anything ever again that’ll give them bad memories as they leave few months from now. Sadly, I suck at promises and ended up losing my friendship with one of them. I thought that friendship of ours can still be saved, but I was wrong. My mistakes, I was used to “it’ll be just like the previous ones, I know it will be okay eventually.” My bad, I was always impulsive and oversensitive, childish and I always compare myself to her other friends, and her to my other best friends even if I know that it’s a big “NO, NO” in a friendship and it’ll just end up hurting both of us. My fault, I expected too much, I expected that she will always be there when I’m so down and helpless like my other best friends just because of being labelled as my ‘BEST FRIEND.’ I never thought that the day would come that I’d be dying to tell these words back to her------------"I learned a lot about friendships. I lost people that were ONCE my BEST FRIENDS. I lost old friendships that I THOUGHT would LAST beyond high school. People I once TRUSTED ended up showing me the opposite. Although I LOST those people, I also built MORE valuable relationships with the people who STAYED. I KEPT the friends that really mattered. I gained STRONGER friendships with people who WERE there for me. I realized that besides family, I only have FEW people I can TRULY rely on, but that's okay. Having a huge group of friends ISN'T that great when MOST can care LESS about you. In the end, having a few VALUABLE friendships with people who REALLY have your back is always WORTH so much MORE.” “PEOPLE ALWAYS LEAVE,” a well known line from our favourite TV series, funny how it got connected to what happened in our friendship. “PEOPLE ALWAYS LEAVE, BUT SOMETIMES THEY COME BACK.” Call me stupid, assuming or whatsoever for making myself believe in that even if I know for myself that it won’t be anymore, like she said, but I’m still holding on with that possibility because I know, the Guy UP THERE has a reason for making me feel this, this feeling that there’s still hope. God let our friendship end for a reason that I don’t know why for now, and I know someday, He’ll make me understand too why He did so. Yes it’s hard, because among all other best friends I had when I was in elementary and high school who’s only after the good times, she was the first one who’s fond of giving me ‘homilies’ for my stupidities, someone who didn’t tolerate me ever like “when you’re wrong, you’re wrong even if you’re my best friend!” That best friend from whom I learned to be sympathetic because before, I was like “damn it, it’s your problem, so why would I care” to my former best friends. Does it hurt to let go of a friendship like that? A two-year friendship where you’ve faced different struggles and to think some of those are pretty serious? Despite of the doubts, miseries and all other things we went through? I’d be lying if I say NO. Because like I said earlier, “when you’re HURT, it’s because you know it’s REAL.”

(My former BEST FRIEND, Hanah Cabrera)

Funny how I realized the truth behind the words “twists and turns of fate.” People who often make me sulk because of time and bonding issues ended up being the ones who spend most of their time with me lately. People I didn’t expect that I’d be close with because of being snobbish turned out to be the ones who were always there for me nowadays and we even considered each other as sisters now. These people I never thought I would consider as my FAMILY. FAMILY, for whenever I’m with them, there’s nothing but blissfulness, and when problems come our way, we are always there at each other’s back so none of us won’t have to go through it alone. And lastly, the one who promised to be there forever ended up showing me that EVEN THE BESTS FALL DOWN SOMETIMES.

(My Exordium FAMILY! :))

"LET GO," "MOVE ON," so easy to say and think of, so arduous to do...2012, "LET GO, MOVE ON...” But where are you going to start? Where are you going to start picking up those lost or broken pieces of your life brought about the damn suckin' mistakes of 2011? "START THE YEAR RIGHT...” Yeah, who wouldn't want that? But how? Especially when you know that there are things and PEOPLE you've regret losing. That you want them back so badly, but whatever you do, no matter how you strive, you'll never get them BACK. They won't. They don't want anymore. You CAN'T take them back again. So how? How will you be able to find the light for the new path you want to take, if the shadows of regrets from the mistakes you had in the past keep on following you? It’s so difficult, isn’t it? But we have NO CHOICE. We SHOULD find that light of HOPE. We have to live our lives. Losing someone so important to you hurts like hell, it surely does and we can’t do anything about it. The only thing we can is FORGET the PAST but REMEMBER what it TAUGHT you.

-xiyhanJ76..

(4:58 pm – 11:59 pm, 12.31.11)